day ninetythree - graphic details from the front

Monday, July 11, 2005
Mom - Staff Reporter

Unconfirmed reports circulated late this morning that the world's largest poop had been expelled by  local 3 month old, Barritt.

"Mom told me I had one job to do today, so I figured I better go ahead and get busy," Barritt told reporters.

"It was a complete surprise," Mom says.  "Well, I mean, not a complete surprise...it had been two and a half days since the last poopy diaper, so I figured there was a big one coming."

But nothing could have prepared her for what happened at approximately
10:45 this morning.  Barritt had recently woken from his morning nap
and enjoyed his regular snack of warm milk.

"I couldn't figure out where he was putting it all.  He was nursing as
much as he always does, and yet there were no poops.  Toots, yes, but
no poops."

The first hints came after Barritt became uncharacteristically fussy
during a stint in the bouncy chair.  Calming Vibrations were not
calming, the pacifier not pacifying.  Mom even tried dangling the
octopus and the Whoozit in front of him and singing made-up songs, to
no avail.

"I saw the tell-tale signs around the edges of his diaper and I was
glad he'd finally gone.  But when I actually opened the diaper and saw
the massive mustard-colored mess, I didn't know whether to laugh or
cry."

It took 5 minutes and as many wipes to contain the outpouring, the
fallout extending from Barritt's belly to his foot, where he'd kicked
at the messy diaper during the clean up.  Barritt calmly looked on as
Mom frantically tried to contain the poop and avoid leakage onto the
rug.  Fortunately, Huggies' Gigglastic and Mom's swift action kept the
damage to a minimum.

"I can't say this won't happen again, especially if Mom keeps up with
the all Mexican and ruffage diet," Barritt warned, then promptly fell
asleep.